Just need to give her up and just any idea of a relationship...
I start reading my old posts and laugh at my constant struggle. I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm trapped. Why can't I just give this up and let go? Why can't I just give it all to God? Why do I harbor it? why is this so freaking hard!!!!!

It's because that's what I desire the most in life- a relationship, one with Jenni to be specific (and why with her?)

God is not #1. He's a distant 3rd or 4th. Behind my laziness or delusions of escape through CS or Warcraft or movies.

How on earth does someone get this passion for Jesus? Do you develop it over a course of time? Is it instantaneous? or simply a failure to give up the old self and put on the new?

Why do I ask this?
As I was preparing for a Sunday school lesson for the high school, God placed this thought of passion/zeal/fervor in my mind. I pondered to see if I ever had a passion for Jesus. I came to one conclusion: missions to China and the first year or so serving at CCMC.

Is there a way back to that place? How do I get there?

I am lost or I'm blind.