training update...
so i ran again yesterday. ran outide on the pavement to be exact. Would have ran on the treadmill, but either the soles on my shoes are thin or the tread itself is slippery from something.
Anyways, getting back to the run. I ran about 15 min. ran 1 1/2 miles. Was doing well to start until I approached this hill. At first, it was like no problem. Then, some wall or truck hit me. Stinking felt like I was gonna die. But hey, I kept on going. why? so I could finish the race. That's the only phrase that ran through my head. "Got to finish".

So, I'm a little worried because of this poor performance. How am I supposed to bike 10 miles and swim 600m before this, and I didnt even run the required 2.1 miles......GRRRRRRR. That's why I have a year!

Here's to lifting weights today.

moving on in life...
the world definately doesnt stop if you need it to stop. People sometimes do, but you don't want to take their time away from others things that may be more pressing.

It seems like I'm stuck in a rut and I can't move forward. Why do I dwell in the past. Do I live in the past??? Have I always been like that or did something happen to change my attitude on life.

Seems like people are moving on with their lives as well. Gosh I wish people were in the same boat as I. Then, I could actually have someone to talk to or share this with. But, what good would that do? I need someone who's been there and gotten out of it.

On top of it all, it sux when the person you were are still are in love with or rather care deeply about or rather want to be with has already moved on (esp. in another relationship).

God protect me. God comfort me. God just be there when I need you.

training for a short-track triathlon...
yes....this is a crazy idea of mine, but I figure it'll help me in 3 ways:
1) improve my health (relieve stress, inc. endurance, keep in shape)
2) become disciplined
3) challenge my life
3*) take my mind off of other things
3**) become a better swimmer, so I'm not scared to jump into the sea/ocean

well, yesterday I ran 5K (3.1 miles) on the treadmill of a pace of 4.5, incline of 1. Yes, relatively slow, but remember I haven't ran since....hmmmmm....I dont really recall. I do know the last time I excercised was for the labor day tournament. Well, its a start and I need to be prepared for next year.

Here's the normal short track distances
.4 mile swimming
10 miles of biking
2.1 miles of running.

So, anyone want to join me??? It'll be fun!

Feeling alone...
It's scary when an extrovert feels alone. It could even be dangerous. Thank God my emotions are in check. But, as they say, "when it rains, it pours"

Actually, I'm a love me extrovert. The "love me" part stems from early childhood to even as early as when I was in my mom's womb. The extrovert (people person) stems from the sense of love within a community. I see God's love or the lack of it in the community which of course affects me one way or the other.

why don't I feel God's love for me?

is it because of the abundant sacrifice HE paid for me, I don't feel I deserve it since I've been so sinful? is it because I'm dependent on feeling God's love through those specific people in my life and if I don't get it, life just sucks. or a combination of the two or something I've missed.

Just need to give her up and just any idea of a relationship...
I start reading my old posts and laugh at my constant struggle. I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm trapped. Why can't I just give this up and let go? Why can't I just give it all to God? Why do I harbor it? why is this so freaking hard!!!!!

It's because that's what I desire the most in life- a relationship, one with Jenni to be specific (and why with her?)

God is not #1. He's a distant 3rd or 4th. Behind my laziness or delusions of escape through CS or Warcraft or movies.

How on earth does someone get this passion for Jesus? Do you develop it over a course of time? Is it instantaneous? or simply a failure to give up the old self and put on the new?

Why do I ask this?
As I was preparing for a Sunday school lesson for the high school, God placed this thought of passion/zeal/fervor in my mind. I pondered to see if I ever had a passion for Jesus. I came to one conclusion: missions to China and the first year or so serving at CCMC.

Is there a way back to that place? How do I get there?

I am lost or I'm blind.